How Andre Met Lloyd pt.2 : Paradise Lurst

I tell Lloyd about missing the ferry and I'm like "we gotta find something now". So I'm in Terminator scan mode looking... When I spot three white chicks coming out of a bar.
1. looks butched out, piercings in her face and shit, with those JNCO jeans that make you look like your floating!

2. is pretty as hell and just looks abercrombie-ish

3 Nicole was cute and had a nice body and looked like the loose one.

I went for 3.

So I go over with the smooth talk. "My name is Jeremiah, Yeah I'm a Seal/Captain of that ship out there, Hell Yeah I've killed terrorists before..."Three Kings" was loosely based on me, I shot at Bin Laden" you know basic after club jive talk. They didn't believe any of my bullshit but they liked how I said it!
So Lloyd is lettin me do all the talking and that works fine cause liqours got my mouth on autopilot. So we all make introductions and Lloyd introduces himself as...

"J.Southstar, but you can call me southstar"

J-fucking Southstar...Lloyd!

We had talked about fake names one day at work and the theory behind them.... and when he told us that was his fake name, we cussed him the hell out. So I'm lookin at him like he's a damn fool repeating this shit to these girls!
They ask him to repeat it again to I guess see if it sounds as ridiculous as it did the first time and it does. So they invite us to a lil get together to drink beer, and us with no way back "home" have no choice but to go with the flow.
So I walk ahead with nicole and leave "southstar" to fend for himself with butchy girl and preppy chick. So we walk and rap a tad and she's like...

"I hope you don't expect anything tonight"

Me: nah. I mean you're cool and I'm cool so you know whatever right?

"Yeah"

So we finally get to nicole's house, and butch chick parts ways cause she's gotta go home. So now it's me, nicole, preppy and lloyd. Just from seeing how, preppy is kinda unintentionally blocking me by hanging around nicole, I KNOW "southstar" isn't on his job with the preppy. I'm not suprised cause I mean "southstar's" dressed like a thug (tall tee, baggy jeans) and most preppy white chicks don't go for that and she was one of them.

So we all get in the car and we begin a uphill descent into a winding pitch black mountain road with two girls we met like 45 minutes ago. We finally arrive at a lake front cabin that looks Camp Crystal Lake worthy, and there's two trucks full of white boys!---------------
So I'm like oooo-k, and assess the situation :I see these white guys in two pick up's just milling around, it's pitch black and we're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows where the fuck we are. I check my sidekick 3...no signal. Great.
So when we get there me and "southstar" give each other a look like "oh shit", So I pull him aside and I'm like
"Whats up with your chick?"
southstar : She ain't even giving me no play, say somethin' to her!
"Like What?"
southstar: tell her I like her!

Lloyd/southstar, come on now bro! How the fuck would that shit look.

So preppy chick apparently knows one of the white boys and leaves with him... so we greet the other two white guys and they're pretty cool...or so it seems right? So I'm like "yeah wheres the get together at or whatever", and they point to a island about a 600 yards out in the middle of the lake where I can see a fire burning.
*WTF!*

Me: so y'all got a boat or something to get out there right?"
"Yeah we do." *points to a fucking canoe*

I look at that shit like there's no fucking way me, nicole, lloyd and these two corn fed white guys are getting in this damn canoe. I mean it's pitch black and it's like 3 football fields to this island! Hell nah!
The fuck I look like!

will the boys get in the canoe? will they be acosted by the two white guys? Will andre quench his lurst? Find out in How Andre met Lloyd pt.3 :Lurst in translation

Lursty and Lurstier: How lloyd met andre pt.1

I thought all there was in maine was... -people who said "baaa","caaa" and "bia" instead of bar,car and beer.
-Lobster

- white people.


I was partly right. Anyways we went there for Lobsterfest 06 in rockland, maine. A real small town and it was pretty crazy. Just showing up in the uniform got free lobsters and free drinks. I mean I'm sitting down after ordering drinks and the waitress is like "somebody ordered you a lobster and said thank you...." I get it and it's a fuckin lobster on a plate!

I'm scared to even touch this shit! So I play it cool and look at the other people eating thiers and follow suit.

Since rockland is such a small town, our huge warship can't pull in, so we have to take a ferry to and fro. The last ferry leaves for the ship at like 1:45 and if you miss it, you're SOL till like 9am the next morning. Now in a town like this there's always one spot that the youth go to. It's called the time out pub. At the time me and lloyd really weren't that cool, even though we worked together, cause the word on him was that his breath was on BROIL 24/7 and he needed to gargle with paint thinner and throw a match in his mouth! I mean we hung with mutual friends and with him hearing how I get down we just ended up going out together (the buddy rule was in effect).



So after walking to the main attraction in the town which was a Wal-Mart, and just drinking most of the day, We end up in the "Time Out Pub" which was to the 20-somethings of rockland like "The Maxx" was to Zack and the Gang. So I meet a real sexy white chick with "that baa caa bia" accent and we're just grinding away, hands goin where they please, whispering in the ear, lap dancing, kissin.... I knew for sure I was jumping that night. So the club closes and we're walking outside, I see lloyd and he sees me with chick and he knows what time it is... when all of a sudden chick sees some dude she knows and is like "OMG" and runs to him with a full body hug...



WTF!!!!!

So Lloyd sees this and I know I've got a stupid look on my face.


I know I must look even stupider when they walk off together for the parking lot.... My lurst is an inferno inside of me that refuses to not be quenched! I've gotta feed the flames somehow. It's about 1:40 when I get a call from my dog smith saying...


"Aye, where you at? You gonna miss the last ferry!"


Me: damn, it left yet?


"Yeah, I'm on it now... it's leaving now"


Me: FUCK........


With our two lursty protagonists stranded in the middle of anytown USA, with a chance at "sunshine enchantment" lost and "closing time" playing in the background. No way to get home, and a hotel out of the question. Whatever will they do?To be continued in..... Lursty and Lurstier 2:

until then some of the only surviving pictures of my lobsterfest experience

Grown and sexy?

My Bro:"Yeah we're gonna be going out to a grown and sexy spot. You can't go?"

Wack girl: "Why not I've got a lot of grown and sexy stuff"

My Bro: "Like What?"

Wack girl: "I've got this baby phat denim cat suit that *gestures on her body* comes down like this and this, it's fly as hell"

*crickets*
*tumbleweed rolls by*
*laughter held in barely*



I want to charge her up about this, but she is so sensitive, that it will ruin our friendship...But I can see her coming to the club in some Mahno-no air forces ones or mahno-no timbs with a fucking denim catsuit. I mean seriously the last girl who wore a catsuit was....

and look how that turned out

Roots and Estelle LIVE pt.1

My friend-girl said she might not be going *tear* so now I won't have anybody to make humorous observations with! I don't wanna stay for GCH but since the lineup is Estelle,GCH,Roots I might have to!

But for reals, I've been flucking with Estelle in prep for tonight, plus she's ma soeur sénégalase baby girl is jammin, and once again I'm late up on it.

Maybe I can come up on a fiona apple lookin' scene girl or a suicidegirl, I know the concerts gonna be full of them. But since all the hoes in there wanna fluck with a light skinned boy with dreads, it might be kinda tough for a dark skinned boy with the 360 in there!

While I was at 7-11 getting my Trident tropical splash gum for tonight I saw this fresh ass grandpa!


I hope authentik can get her ticket, if she can't though *nelson muntz* HA HA */Nelson Muntz*

*sunday edit*
The concert was dope....I've got pics and vids to upload so they'll come later this week.

How andre met the green fairy

In my winehousing expeditions I try and throw up in private but there have been a few public humiliations... The worst was me and lloyd in the room with two spanish mañosas. Before we went up there I drank half a bottle of absinthe, after abstaining from alcohol for about 2 months. Before I got caught slippin and got ganked for my laptop and iPod there was a series of pictures of this night with me drunk as a fuckin skunk, and a fucking video too! I was getting slapped and telling them not to slap me anymore, even Lloyd backhanded me for ruining the night...this is the only surviving picture. I was very very drunk but on my feet and coherent, holding up the very thing that put me down!

We get in the room and lloyd goes on the other bed and starts jumping up and down and as soon as chick lays me down and starts to put her mouth on me the room starts spinning! The only thing I could say is "chupa chupa..." So Lloyd switches girls and this one tries to put a condom on me but my dick said "no no it ain't gonna happen."

I'm laying back enjoying what she's doing to me, when the room starts spinning faster and faster... I feel it comin' up from my guts and I push the girl offa me and I run to the bathroom and projectile vomit.... in the shower on the toilet, the baday. Everything!

So I'm butt naked tryna tell lloyd to keep fucking don't worry about me, but the girls are freaking the fuck out!

"¡El ha tenido que a mucho en beber! ayuda a su amigo! "

I'm not really one for blacking out, mostly because I don't drink like that..and when I do, I can see my limit and teeter on it... But the last thing I remember was laying back on the bed, and getting my clothes put on me, being outside prarie doggin' it, apologizing while I got slapped and gut punched by my "friends"!

The next day I woke up the next morning and my shmack jeans I only wore like twice before were ganked. My glow in the dark dunk's worn for the first time were lookin like bo-bo's, and I saw Lloyd and he told me I did something I shouldn't have done... I denied it of course... but hey absinthe is a hell of a drug!

makin' me cum!

Would you prefer the lump sum on the mid month pay period or partial now?

Me:*fuck do you think number man* partial please.


you should receive partial payment on monday and after that your pay will fluctuate slightly...

Me:*fluctuate!!!?? the fuck!*
..for the positive!

*audible and visual relief*

so fuck this getting vulnerable shit...and back to hiding my pain with sarcasm and biting criticism, back to what I love writing about...Lurst,winehousing,fast women, trying/succeeding, sarcastic commentary and humorous observations! All made possible by the universal lubricant...

Never too much

Due to my situation not being able to perpetuate my teddy spendacash lifestyle, I've become a working/geeking out, phone boning, loser! So instead of boring everybody to death with day to day malarkey...I'll share with y'all tasteful tales of debauch and just get vulnerable for a while...so here we go with what I like to call...

The Early years.

I remember way back around the summer before ninth grade. I met a dude who stayed in the neighborhood and was a grade ahead of me named Royce. Me and Royce kicked it real tough that summer, hitting the pool, playin' nintendo 64, playin basketball 'till dark time, going to the mall and not buyin a damn thing. I mean I kinda looked up to this dude, he had a basement with a nice sound system, a pool table a couch and one of those 7 in 1 workout stations, he was tall and good in basketball, and he wore a old navy tek vest; he had it all! We were bff's before I knew what a bff was.
But most importantly he pulled chicks. Girls in the neighborhood wanted to throw it to him, most of em he hit or had the chance to and turned it down. Which boggled my young mind! I mean I'm 14, my goal is to get the nappy dugout, and he's turnin it down.
WTF?!?
Another thing that fucked me up was that he had a girl Jayda, of course he'd tell me about all the things they did and he'd always be like
"I'm tired of fucking her!"
WTF?!?
You've got the baddest chick on our bus lettin you get off at her stop after school, and you're tired of fucking her?

It was a sad sad day when I learned just what he was talking about. Come 10th grade, my first certified fine girlfriend, I'm talkin the baddest thing since crack cocaine! We'd watch TRL cause it was programmed to come on at 3:30 right after school and when we got to her house it would already be on or we'd skip school and watch say what karaoke, and "jenny jones in your bed. I did everything I could imagine with erica, but I wanted more. I don't know what that more was but I wanted it and that's still one of my downfalls today...