20091008

Andre advises a loser

I got an email from a dude who was basically like, I've been trolling your blogs and you seem like a regular dude, and how he did "his thing" and wasn't a loser virgin but fumbled sometimes and wanted to change it up but didn't know where to go on a first date other than the norm. His roommate wasn't a casanova and he really didn't know anybody personally who just was a 'dating ass dude like myself'

My first thought was to send him....

"Do like me.. I take my dates in the backseat of a german luxury sports sedan and if she's lucky and I feel generous, I'll turn on the AC. But most girls aren't worth the strain on my vee dub"

But that was a very fleeting thought and after I stopped laughing, I remembered being 20 and not having the lubricous-ness of alcohol to ease your approach. In him I saw alot of myself. Whereas I had good friends to help me along, this cat just has what he reads and sees other people and he'll try and use it and flip it on some bullshit. Although in the scheme of things other people are dealing with heavier shit, I know that these girls can make your head spin, and have you all discombobulated and off kilter.

It took longer to edit the typos from my fucking iphone's crappy autotext/ my sucky typing than it did to write. .. But here's what I said to him...

Sitting here writing this, I feel like it should be read while watching those two midget twins talk about fucking the baddest chicks and driving ferraris. But I'm no cocky douche and my failures with the opposite sex make my triumphs even sweeter. I had to learn the hard way much like you are now and that shit sucks.

I always felt like I didn't wanna do the regular shit (movies, dinner) But at the same time it's just a first date right? Nope, she's gonna size you up and get a lot of general inferences from you if she doesn't have them already.

The first thing you gotta ask yourself is...." do you wanna genuinely enjoy yourself and have a good time with the chick or are you just going through the required steps like this is the sims just so you can fuck?

If it's a girl who you just wanna fuck, then keep it simple. Try to get her to your place with things like watching a movie or HBO/SHOWTIME if you have it. Then just try and go for the kill. rinse. repeat 'till you the one who buys the boxset.

But I can see you're like me or how I was and just enjoy the company of a attractive young lady then here's some shit I've found out the hard way works...


Is the chick old fashioned or new age?

I don't remember where I first heard this but, I have tried it and it does work...

'Just see if she walks ahead of you when going to the ticket counter, but she might go up and order two tickets and look at you. Or she might just buy both tickets.'

When I say old fashioned I say a girl who might be like..
"if you're taking ME out then you're paying for it all. Owe you? Are you kidding? You wanted to go out with me'

Whereas a new age girl might say "I can pay for my own shit, and you can't say I owe you shit. thank you very much" But there's so many variables there though... Bottom line don't be a cheapskate BUT you can cheesecake her all you want but remember you don't wanna break the bank tryna take a first date out. If you don't have it, tell her flat out. Because some girls will take anything you give them and you're gonna then have to open that wallet to open those legs!

Everytime I go out on a date I think of this scene at least once during the date.


Movies some might say it's kind of anti-social but yeah movies were the first place I used to take dates because you know you might be able to get a kiss, a little 'index' action, or even a mouth handjob. Or you could just be two people watching a movie.... who happen to be side by side....
Choose your movie wisely BUT at the same time see some shit you at least wanna see so you can quote it laters...


Skating depending on the chick, I mean I'm 23 and most girls can remember skate lock ins from middle school. Plus in Atlanta it's not that rare for a dude to be talking about skating. But it will work up a little bit of a sweat so keep that in mind.

Carnivals are around this time of year with haunted houses and the carnie games and you can get close and all that cause it's chilly and what better way to warm up than with body heat.

Bowling is sooo terrible for a first date. I went with this one chick and she was txting her ass off just like yours and I mean it's something better for groups or maybe like a '6th date/after y'all have sexed' But me, I don't even like bowling on GTA4, so I hate it even more in real life. On top of all that, the shit around here at least taxes the shit out of you.

If your chick is adventurous and outdoorsy then maybe you can hit a park, provided it's nice out. It's free, out of the ordinary BUT it does really rely heavily on you being able to keep a convo going and flowing. Because leaves get real crunchy and loud during uncomfortable silences!

The drive in movie theater. It really depends on the girl and for your sake I hope you can read signals or you might wind up in an awkward situation. I recently went with an awesome girl and I felt like I was back in the fifties or something.

Most of all have fun and relax, and trust your gut. If you have any doubt, there is no doubt. Let me know how it goes and if you do anything with her cause of what I said, I'll tell you where to mail the check.

-Andre

FIN

4 comments:

Jaded said...

lol. This was really good advice. I can't believe your so young! At first when I was reading I was like: Why is he asking a guy, he should ask a girl! But then I realized the kind of advice I would have given. SOOOOOOO Lame.

About this movie thing. You have a really good grasp of that. Some girls do feel like you should pay, and some girls do not.

I would say if you let a girl pay, you should offer to pay for the concession snacks. I think this is a really good rule of thumb.

Ok, now for a story.Once I went to the movies and paid (I ALWAYS did stuff like that, it's very immasculating...but I can't help it) Anyway, the guy was like ok, well I'll pay for snacks. Get what you want. Do you know what I got?

Carrots. For some reason this place had carrots and celery, and ranch dressing and that's what I got. It was so fucking strange. I realize that now.

So if you ever go on a date with someone don't judge them by what they like to snack on.

Andre said...

Carrots?

That would've thrown me just a little bit, I mean yeah if I'm at home I'll snack on them while I'm watching a movie...but at the theaters... nah

But believe it or not I know some girls who are all about the guy paying and I know some guys who feel insulted if the girl attempts to pay for anything...

and young next month I'll be one year young than you!

PhlyyGirl said...

LOL @ carrots.
I would have thought it was hip cause you were sooo...different. Ha!

Dre,
I think you gave good advice. It's the type of stuff I would want the guy I was dating to think about when he took me out.
I like the old fashioned test too. It's almost like the one where you unlock her car door first and then see if she reaches over to unlock yours so you can get in the car.
I think it's all a sign of good breeding and indicators that should be used to determine wheter or not to even attempt a relationship with someone.

and you're still a baaaaaabbbbyyy!

Video Vix[o]n said...

first off, lol @ bowling in GTA4, i swear all my date be cheatin', but that's another story...

pretty good advice indeed. I always have trouble on the first date... a meal is automatic, but it can go either way; either good food and convo, or good food and no convo.

"...Because leaves get real crunchy and loud during uncomfortable silences!" word

movies are always tricky, but i usually buy the tickets for the movies, i'm real generous, so that's how i roll... and that whole carrots at the movie thing rubs me the wrong way, unless they were buttered and popped, then we can talk...

that scene in "Half Baked" is hilarious, i feel like that on a date too...

i bet you feel good passing your lursty knowledge to another... i'm sure he will be forever grateful... extra points doing this all on an iPhone...

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